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Dear Annie: Two and a half years ago, while my business was going well, my marriage of over 30 years was not.
It was that same old case of drifting away from the pressures of life. Our children had left home except one, and we considered downsizing. We registered for a new apartment, so we had to prepare our house for sale.
My wife and I had this almighty fight – we’ve had it before – and our relationship was getting toxic for me, so when we had this fight, I finally quit. We took advice, but instead of getting back together, it was suggested we split up, much to my ex’s disgust.
I wanted to go out, and she didn’t. But it was either stay with her and hurt me, or leave.
I had to stay in the house while I renovated it, which made things difficult. A few months later, I had met my current partner, who is much younger than me. We fell in love with each other quite quickly during that time when I was still at home, but my wife and I were gone. A few months later, my girlfriend got pregnant.
Nobody knew about my new relationship. In November, my wife and I announced to the children that we were separating and, naturally, they were upset. I moved in with my partner to take care of her while she was pregnant, but I still kept her and the pregnancy a secret.
After Christmas this year, I told my ex and my kids about my partner, but not about her being pregnant. My ex didn’t take it well at all. My oldest daughter and youngest son took it pretty well, but my youngest daughter took it the hardest. From her reaction, I was afraid to tell them anything else, and as such, my new daughter is a secret.
I’ve been agonizing all this time to tell them, and I know I have to let them know real soon.
My daughter turned 1 the other day, and it was sad because her step-siblings were away.
My ex had gone to see a psychic who told her she had seen a newborn baby, and the next day my ex asked me, “Is this girl pregnant?” I was stunned. I just said no. My son told me about clairvoyance and I laughed about it. I said, “It’s more than likely in the cards very soon, though. Would you have a problem with having a younger brother?” He said he would like to be a big brother.
Part of the reason I didn’t say anything is that I care about my ex and I know she will take it very badly. She has a lot of animosity towards me, as does my second daughter.
I think I’ll have to tell them one by one, with my ex finding out last. — Fearful Father
Dear Fearful: It’s time to take the bandage off so the real healing can begin. Your plan – to tell each of your children, then to your ex-wife, individually, about your new daughter – is good. Be sure to run it quickly, all on the same day, as news will spread quickly. Give them space to process and be angry. Your lies robbed your older children of the joy of having a new sister and having an honest relationship with their father. Their first reactions will not be their last reactions. Your ex-wife will probably have a hard time with the news and things may still be tense between you two. But that could have been the case even if it hadn’t been for the baby.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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